Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove