“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me