“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Hamburger Hinderer.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
But is it really??
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
@funTweeters
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps