“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?