Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

Doug is just Canadian for dog

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

my astrological sign is a french fry

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right