Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
