“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.