Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*