Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

mentally somewhere in italy

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]