Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries