Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Every haunted house movie:
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
This 4th of July, please remember…
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
How do you like your Corgi?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.