“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
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Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.