can I use a minion as a tampon
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ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Couple goals
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
New tinder profile pic
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”