can I use a minion as a tampon
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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Good boy 😂😂
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.