Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city