Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

My new favorite headline

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”