Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

The first matador

😂😭

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.