Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.