Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
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a badder mouse
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Mornin
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
c’mon!
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess