Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?