Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
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Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters