Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

I drew y’all a little something.

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.