Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
lmao
I am thick and tired. 🙄
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My typo game is string.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
what’s really going on
