Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke