Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
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6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Note to self: always read the final line
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.