@DistractedMomma

Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.

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@VapingSonic

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

@ArfMeasures

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

@Jamberee13

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

@4SLars

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

@sixfootcandy

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

@iinkedZombie

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.