Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.

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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone


[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather


If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.


Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”


[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea


Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!


Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky


Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.