@DistractedMomma

Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.

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@Kalarlis

what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose

@HavocMantis

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????

@DaddyJew

Son: I think the dishwasher is leaking

Me, rowing my canoe right passed him: you think?

@mommajessiec

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

@IamEveryDayPpl

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

@RunOldMan

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

@writeden

Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.

Surgeon: How did you get in here

@scrueggs

Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:

@Mom_Overboard

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.