Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.

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what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose


Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????


Son: I think the dishwasher is leaking

Me, rowing my canoe right passed him: you think?


I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.


“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.


She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.


Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.

Surgeon: How did you get in here


Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:


If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.