i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
never compromise your values
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”