Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

In case you needed to hear it:

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.