Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
ouch
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.