Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Cartman: Respect my
a a
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb