Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
You Might Also Like
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Every BBC series about the universe.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit