Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.