Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

Fun like a LinkedIn notification