Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews