Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….