Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”