Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

phew

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”