Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

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[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.


Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.


8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”


Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away


I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour


Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free


Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag



I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”


I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.