Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
ok like just. call me at this point
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”