Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”