Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.