Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

This line from Airplane.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???