Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
A friend sent me this.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I forgot how to panic. Help
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
This chloroform smells expensiv…