Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

i smell a pulitzer

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”