Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.