Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?