Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

smh

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

No. YOU-buprofen.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

excuse me

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.