Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
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Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
*seductively corrects your posture*
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.