Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

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DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts


Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.


The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring


If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.


Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!


During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.


[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]


SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?


I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.