Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
The Assassin.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”