@crunchenhancer

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

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@chuuew

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

@UnFitz

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

@Ygrene

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

@Heartblakekid15

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

@TheBigBatman

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

@Reverend_Scott

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

@RandomManik

I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.