Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Frankenstein?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯