Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
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my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times