can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
sometimes i miss this memes
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello