can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
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I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible