can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
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The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”