can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅