can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
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*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing