Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

A short story of betrayal:

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

The most accurate map ever devised.

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight