Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!