Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
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Breakfast for Stoners:
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
my fav colour is also hitler
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.