@BradBroaddus

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

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@mollymcnearney

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

@lizetagge

The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…

@KevinFarzad

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

@Jeff_Sargeant

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

@captainkalvis

doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?

@ojedge

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

@KalvinMacleod

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

@Robinbuble

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

@ryanqnorth

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed