can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
You Might Also Like
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?