can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.