Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

rip to my favourite tweet

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell