can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
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geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba