Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
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Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.