Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶