Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

Dishonest mechanic?

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

🤫

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

girls literally only want one thing..

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.