Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

Strange

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.