Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
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I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
awesome draft from months ago i just found
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”