Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
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me: Fantastick.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.