Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
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When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Some people were born into their job.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.