Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
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Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Interior design 👌
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”