[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
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“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins