Can someone with a black suit and an umbrella watch my funeral from a distance so my family think I had something big going on in my life

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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.


“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches


I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter


Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]


I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.


Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.


If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.


Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.


There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.