PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Can someone with a black suit and an umbrella watch my funeral from a distance so my family think I had something big going on in my life
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Oh my god
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.