can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
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You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
ok like just. call me at this point
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”