can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
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Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored