Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

Breaking news:

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

choose your fighter

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high