Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Can confirm.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.