Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

bad
worse
worst
worchester

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

every college guy’s fridge

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Dietest Coke

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.