Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on