can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe