can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.